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Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death, by Joan Halifax
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Review
“A moving meditation on palliative care. . . . A supremely readable book that will attract readers of all faiths who will appreciate her clarity and compassion and the poignancy of these stories of ordinary people facing their final hours with quiet courage.”—Publishers Weekly “This compelling, brave, and wise book draws from a lifetime of remarkable work with people at the end of life.”—Andrew Weil, MD “Joan Halifax has a knack for straight talk and sublime insight—a no-holds-barred approach to life’s greatest challenge, dying well. This book beckons to those who dare, and those who care; it’s a profound and practical guidebook to the inevitable final dance.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence “This book is a gift of wisdom and practical guidance for living.”—
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About the Author
Joan Halifax, PhD, is a Zen priest and anthropologist who has served on the faculty of Columbia University and the University of Miami School of Medicine. For the past thirty years she has worked with dying people and has lectured on the subject of death and dying at Harvard Divinity School, Harvard Medical School, Georgetown Medical School, and many other academic institutions. In 1990, she founded Upaya Zen Center, a Buddhist study and social action center in Santa Fe, New Mexico. In 1994, she founded the Project on Being with Dying, which has trained hundreds of healthcare professionals in the contemplative care of dying people.
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Product details
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: Shambhala; Reprint edition (November 17, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1590307186
ISBN-13: 978-1590307182
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.7 out of 5 stars
90 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#24,532 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
When a friend was rapidly deteriorating from ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) I tried to help with activity - visiting and bringing smoothies every morning. Eventually, her needs were taken care of by her professional staff and I didn't know what to "DO". This book helped me understand how to "BE" with my friend's suffering. I would have been lost in my sadness without these teachings. This is one of those books you hold on to because you know you will need it again. I'm so glad I found it when I did.
BEING WITH DYING is specifically aimed at professional caregivers, but non-professional caregivers, such as family members and friends who provide caregiving for a dying person, will find excellent support to guide them along their spiritual path.With unflinching honesty and deep compassion for the dying person, Halifax explores all the aspects of dying and death that, in being with a dying person, a caregiver may experience. She deals with the spiritual, physical, mental and emotional processes that dying activates and how this affects both the dying person and those around him.There was some bias against family members and friends acting as caregivers to the dying. All her empathy lies with the dying person, which is as it should be, but Halifax is, at times, quite unsympathetic to the emotional pain, suffering and struggle from the family caregivers' side. Her negative view of caretaker archetypes reveals a subtle disdain for the role of family caregivers.Unfortunately, this slightly detracts from the inherent wisdom of her advice and Buddhist philosophy. Not all of us have the temperament or self-mastery to become a detached caregiver. All non-professional caregivers do is try to give their loved ones the best that they can out of love. Yes, with hindsight, the mistakes they make may have made dying more difficult for the departing soul, but the resulting guilt also makes the loss harder to bear even when the non-professional caregiver knows the loved one's soul is finally at peace. Halifax's compassion was all for the dying and there was very little left over for the family members living for years in that strange limbo between deep love, anticipatory grief, impending loss and physical exhaustion.Despite this, the wise reflections, the meditations and the practical advice presented in BEING WITH DYING helped me through the very trying time of my beloved Father's active dying. Coincidentally, I started reading this book the night he had his third and final stroke, and I finished it 11 days later, the day after his funeral.I regret that I only found this book three years after my role as caregiver to my Father began, because I can see the mistakes I made, despite having help from a professional caregiver for the last 18 months. But I do gain some small comfort from the fact that, in the 6 days it took my beloved Father to actively die, I feel this book truly helped me ease his path slightly (by just sitting quietly with him and following his lead.) I also found the breathing meditations helped me calm my mind and relax my body during this intensely emotional time.Ultimately, BEING WITH DYING was a worthwhile and comforting read for me. I highly recommend BEING WITH DYING, no matter what stage of the caregiver's role you are currently in.
Feeling inadequate to deal with death, whether my own or the growing number of elderly loved ones, I read her pages with hope of finding "the" answer. This author guides the reader through impermanence until it becomes comfortable. Experience is our teacher, she explains, and gives lesson after lesson to become okay with this part of life. Everyone should read this book!
I agree with other reviewers who have praised this book so highly. There is tremendous wisdom in it and though Halifax comes out of a Buddhist perspective, I have found that there is a great deal in Buddhism that can, and often is integrated with other faiths. I have known Christian Buddhists (or Buddhist Christians)and Jewish Buddhists. I don't know if it can be integrated into Islam but I would be surprised if it can't.Buddhist beliefs about death as simply a transition in the greater picture of life also lend themselves to application of true love and compassion in a setting where someone is dying, so it's not surprising that so many Buddhists have gotten involved in the hospice movement. Seeing death as not an end, or a loss or tragedy or catastrophe, but as something positive is an attitude that can be very beneficial to the dying and their loved ones.This is not a book with practical advice for caregivers but if they have the chance so saturate themselves with Halifax's wisdom, they will know what to do in a practical sense. After I finished reading, with a lot of highlighting, I read it again.I am working on an annotated bibliography for the hospice where I volunteer and so far I have read fifteen or sixteen books on care for the dying. Two others with a Buddhist perspective which I would highly recommend are Merrill Collett's AT HOME WITH DYING and Christine Longaker's FACING DEATH AND FINDING HOPE. Longaker's, in particular, is almost the equal of this book. Incidentally, I am a practicing, singing Christian but I've always had tremendous curiosity.If you want to learn more explicitly about Buddhist beliefs about death, I recommend Sogyal Rinpoche's THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING. Sogyal has worked a lot in the West and his book was written for a Western audience. Christine Longaker worked with Sogyal and talks a lot about him.When I am writing a review for this bibliography, one perspective I like to consider is whether I would want the author caring for me if and when I am dying in a hospice or home hospice setting. Joan Halifax is at the top of my list, equaled only by Marie de Hennezel, though there are many others who were close to the top.
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